Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Q U I C K S A N D

You try so hard to resist the force that keeps on pulling you down. You grab on to things that you think are strong enough to let you hold on. You attempt to pull these things, hoping that they are really firm enough to pull you out from the quicksand. But they are not, apparently. Some choose to fly away and rest beside other quicksand. Some tend to get sucked by the quicksand too, realizing that holding on for a long time was worthless. Some crawl away from your grasp, and watch you from a distance. You finally realize that there's nothing to hold on anymore. You watch yourself sink slowly into the darkness.

Sometimes, you are able to emerge from it. You use all the strength you have to push out all the sand surrounding you. You see some sunlight and for a moment, there was some hope that burned inside you. You immediately reach for that light, knowing that what's behind it is much better than where you are. But the light is too elusive. The more you reach out, the farther it gets. And again, you become tired, your energy is drained. You stop reaching for it and you watch yourself sink slowly into nothingness.

Whenever you feel that you need to get out from it, you think of all the things you used to have. These things were the reasons why you have become yourself. These things made you sane. They have molded you into someone and they have helped you live a life that's full of vibrant colors and happy harmony. These things, unfortunately, were also the reasons why you are stuck in a vacuum. You shouldn’t have thought of these things in the first place. They only remind you of the pain. And when you think the quicksand cannot pull you any deeper, it grips you inside and starts to pull some more, like a roller coaster ride that only goes down.

It is not a happy place. You get that. And how you wish you could return to that life you had. But when you endure all the agony in this quicksand every day of your existence, you learn that there is no going back. The future will never be bright. The past will always be a dark and painful reminder that you have made mistakes, bad mistakes that could never be forgiven. You are stuck in the present. A gloomy and repressive state that eats up every bit of positivity inside you. You are not you anymore.

You wish you held on to those things beside the quicksand. You wish they never left you. You wish they helped you. But wishes do not come true in quicksand. You are doomed.

Friday, May 19, 2017

M I R R O R

It's a familiar face, a similar scarred face that screams pain and anguish. You approach it slowly to empathize with its sorrow. You hear its silent cries and you immediately think of advices on love and life, and maybe even about the compound word that these two create. Yes, you feel like an expert so you think you are very reliable. As you finally reach for its face and try to comfort it, you realize that you are standing on front of a mirror holding your head.

You are dumbstruck and you can't help but stare at your reflection. After every battle won and lost, after every pain endured and tears cried, this is who you are now. You couldn't even recognize yourself anymore. But you never noticed this change. In fact, you even try to help other people. You help them pick up the pieces and find their way back to the right path. But all along, you didn't even have your own right path. You were just wandering, looking for people who are going through the same problems you had and trying to make up for your grief by helping them. Poor you.

Since you are the survivor, the one who went through hell and is still alive and kicking, you feel that you have an obligation to share your wisdom to other unfortunate souls. You inspire them and give them their daily dose of hope, love, faith, trust and all that shit. You become someone else's healer. And you feel good. Actually, you've never been better. Until you finally see your reflection. All of a sudden, you break down.

You become helpless . Fortunately, the ones you helped are now returning the favor. They try to pull you up from the quicksand, making you feel that there is still hope and it will all get better in time. But you cannot stand looking at that reflection. You can't even look at those people who are helping you now. You deceived them. You made them think that you really are strong and you have endured all the struggles you've been through. No. You were slowly rotting inside, and you are just afraid to admit it. You pull your arms from their grip and you let yourself be sucked into an empty vacuum of darkness.

The mirror shatters into pieces. Your reflection will always be the same. Unless you decide to emerge from that blackhole and create a new image.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

W A L K A W A Y

He cried. He is crying. He will cry.

Talking to himself during stressful moments became helpful. He would always recite his mantra to help him soothe his mood. "I am my own captain. I am my own captain." He also shared his thoughts with his pillows, who were so sympathetic that they let him punch them when he couldn't control his anger anymore. All of a sudden, he was alone in the world. And all the things he used to know, all the things he used to have, are now walking away from him. Those ungrateful things never looked back. They just walked away. 

He never wanted to be alone. It was like suicide to live his complicated life with only himself and lifeless plump pillows to talk to. He used to be the happiest person in the world, laughing over simple things and smiling every time he wakes up. He used to have that unique glow that was very contagious and he made everyone so cheerful. But now he was enveloped with gloom, sulking inside his room whenever he is idle. His world seemed to stop revolving, as if his orbit had a clot and he didn't know where to go anymore.

He told himself that it will all get better in time. Yes, he will wait for fresh wounds to heal again. And he will wait for his world to find a new orbit, a new solar system, a new galaxy. Will the things walk back to him again? He didn't care. He will wait for new things to come. And he will embrace these things with open arms. He will embrace them tight enough to keep them secure but loose enough for them to have their own space to grow. And if time comes that these new things wanted to walk away too, he was now ready to let go. There may be wounds, but old scars will make him stronger.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

M E M A

Today highlights on life's full circles: sometimes you end up right at that spot where you started.

How and why it all happened will perhaps remain to be a mystery, but the journey of "getting there" can only encourage us to press on, or just simply give up in defeat.

Life's choices is like the caveat  where the "promo is valid only while supplies last". And it did not last long enough for me.

Maybe next time.

“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for...”

True, but I think I have lost for good, my trust and faith in the goodness of man.

Strong words, but time and again, I hit a bump on the road because of wanting to do good, and worse I get criticized and penalized because I did "wrong".

Some people think I am an idealist and difficult but I am human too capable of anger, hurt, rage, as much as they have their own imperfections too (which actually caused the anger, hurt, rage).

My time amidst the solitude of the mountains and the sky is long overdue.

A month in the forest might help.


Or do a run like Forrest Gump (minus the ugly beard after coming out of his hiatus).